After the Vegas shooting, it took about 12 hours before the oh-so-edgy skeptics began posting their own “totally-legitimate” version of the massacre on the internet. From YouTube to Twitter to Reddit, they were unavoidable. And if I’ve learned anything over the years, it’s that conspiracy theorists have literally never been wrong.

Even though the shooting occurred while most of these people were in a basement wallowing in their own stench, I knew immediately that they had some inexplicable intuition, some incomprehensible grasp of the happenings outside of the MGM in Vegas that night.

I was convinced because they told me that their IQs were 200 (minimum) and most of them owned a magic 8-ball. They explained in unison that the world is flat and run by lizard people. “How did they accumulate so much wisdom?” I asked myself. I began yearning for some insight into their unique, gifted minds. Make me like you, sensei.

They led me down the rabbit hole of cheese puffs and adult acne, where I emerged with an understanding of the world that is hard for you plebeians to comprehend. I remember when I was as gullible as you. So in an effort to bring you up to my level, I will attempt to impart some of my knowledge on you in regards to the Vegas massacre. (Disclaimer: all of the following statements are 100 percent true.)

1. The liberals orchestrated the attack to push gun control. In fact, it was most likely Hillary Clinton personally. It was all laid out in those deleted emails. She is literally the devil incarnate. It is even reasonable to believe that she carried out the shooting herself, and then framed this poor, innocent, white millionaire. She will do anything to cover for the Muslims.

2. Isis and/or other militant Islamic groups also involved. Be reasonable: Why would Isis claim responsibility for a massacre that they had nothing to do with? What could they possibly gain by making a false connection between radical Islamic terrorist and the mass killing of American citizens? It’s not like they want to ignite a worldwide religious war, right? Open your eyes.

3. The Jews were in on it, too. Obviously. Jews are known for their constant, ruthless perpetuation of violence throughout history. Now they’ve honed in on country music fans. Sad.

4. The Vegas police are hiding/destroying evidence. Most likely working under direct orders from Hillary Clinton, ISIS, and the Jews, Vegas police are collecting evidence to toss into their celebratory bonfire while they snicker and rub their hands together. Some are probably twisting the ends of their moustaches. The PTSD treatment that they will seek in the coming months and years is all part of the elaborate scheme funded by the Clinton Foundation.

5. The shooter was instructed to deliberately target conservatives. In fact, the festival goers were required to show their voter’s registration before they were let in. That is factual information. They were also required to quote and cite a Bible verse, and know the secret handshake.

There you have it, my friends. The things you didn’t know you didn’t know. Go forth and spread the good word (feel free to cite me as your source, which will give you some credibility). The fake news media doesn’t know what’s coming for them!

(Also, I am starting a group for like-minded individuals to get together and talk. It’s totally not a cult. Email me if you’re interested.)

North county resident and writer Allie Friese emphatically doesn’t actually believe any of this.

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