Inspired by the clown car of crackpots seeking the presidency in 2012, Ive decided to throw my hat in the ring. I come before you untested and inexperienced, offering no empty panaceas (New Deal, Square Deal or Raw Deal).
Since I share your concern about family values, womens rights, evolution, prayer in public schools, and other pocketbook issues, Ill address the most compelling issues of our time in a timely, forthright, and occasionally sanctimonious manner.
Call me a dark horse (or a certain part of a dark horse), but before you cast aspersions or overripe tomatoes, consider the two major features of my amazing career as a muckraker and legendary storyteller.
First, I was born in a humble log cabin, a stones throw from Ronald Reagans tomb. Second, Im a supreme authority on matters that greatly affect the everyday life of all people. (That should count for something.)
Ive searched for a campaign battle cry to rival Pat Paulsens riveting motto: Ive upped my standard, now up yours. Ive considered Roman poet Virgils graviora manent (the worst is yet to come), but thats too gloomy for my upbeat crusade. And since W. C. Fields preempted me with Never give a sucker an even break, Ive settled for You deserve a Brake today.
My sharply honed platform consists of six planks: income taxes, marriage, resolutions, business success, Social Security/Medicare, and firearms.
Income taxes: Ill squeeze the last possible cent out of every taxpayer earning less than $250,000 a year. Ill encourage all my constituents to have an income and Ill fix it so they have a choice (earn so little that they starve to death and dont have to pay taxes or make enough to pay taxes and then starve to death after paying them). Ill simply find out how much theyve got, get it, and git. Nailed it.
Marriage: Ill educate everyone about the intricacies and sanctity of matrimony and make divorce illegal. Male voters must follow four recommendations: (1) Never pamper women. Return to the colonial perspective, focusing on how much wood women can split or how many buckets of coal they can carry. (2) Never try to impress women. (3) Never marry a woman who can read. (4) Never marry a super-tidy woman. Thats it. Plain and simple.
Resolutions: Ill avoid making reckless resolutions but will make campaign promises (little more than overgrown New Years resolutions) that I can gracefully break.
My major resolution will be to lower the income tax and cut government expenditures, assuming of course that there will be anything like income when I become president, and the government will still be running. When it becomes apparent that I cant lower income taxes without increasing government expenditures, Ill eventually break that resolution and be looked upon by most Americans as a patriotic President. Short and sweet.
Business success: Ill apply my amazing business acumen, recognizing that the presidency is little more than a glorified business or at least a fine racket. To those who seek great wealth, Ill recommend they heed J. Paul Gettys pungent advice: (1) Get up early; (2) Work hard; (3) Find oil. Thats it.
Social Security/Medicare: Ill promise the old fogeys that the government will never take over their Social Security benefits or their Medicare, and Ill promise to provide each of the chronically-disadvantaged with an income-tax shoe box. Foursquare.
Firearms: Ill say if youre old enough to get arrested, youre old enough to carry a gun. Pure logic.
To those voters who call me a cheap politician, Ill say: Most voters cant afford an expensive one. To those who accuse me of outright lies, double talk, and unfounded attacks on my challengers, Ill say: Picky, picky, picky. And to those who question my determination to conduct presidential business earnestly, Ill promise to purchase and wear an exact copy of the suit that Jimmy Stewart wore in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (only colorized).
Looking over my ever-growing field of rivals for the presidency, I promise you that Ill always connect well to fellow wackos, weasels and wingnuts, Ill put the hip back into hypocrisy and Ill always remain well aware of the things I can get away with and still keep my job.
Remember: You deserve a Brake in 2012. Cast a vote for Brake and watch for the silver lining. Cast several votes for Brake and watch for the police.
Dont wait for the Rapture. Vote for me.
Reach presidential aspirant Robert J. Brake (who has considered changing his name to No opinion to enhance his poll standings) at email@example.com.