Since the outbreak of coronavirus, I have made the following observations:

First off, I have found my ears are broken. I don't mean that my hearing has been affected, but that the actual structure of my ears is collapsing. I became aware of this when I first tried on a face mask that my wife, Linda, brought home from the senior center. She volunteers there, helping put together the meal packages for pickup and where the good women of the center sew and distribute face masks. The first one I tried on, the elastic bands I put over my ears kept pulling my ears down and coming loose. She brought home another one with the same result. After the fourth mask, I figured out it wasn't the mask that was the problem — it was that my ears grew larger and became more floppy as I aged. So we finally solved the problem when she brought home a mask that tied in the back.

My next observation is from when I go to the grocery store, where all of the staff and the majority of the customers are wearing masks. Most of them are women who are strangers to me and the only part of their faces I can see are their eyes. I have no idea what the rest of their faces look like, but my impression is that most women have beautiful eyes. Don't take my word for it, guys, look for yourselves.

My final observation is there will not be a coronavirus vaccine available for months. So I have devised my own temporary vaccine — a Mexican beer named Corona. Corona beer has healing powers. After drinking two Coronas, my anxiety about the virus calms down considerably. After three Coronas, it's more like, "What virus?"

LES GERNERT

Ocean Park

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